Why trying too hard almost never works! 3 Tips for more authentic engagements
Have you ever met someone in a business setting and been distracted by social awkwardness? It happens. They smile and engage (at least superficially); you get the work done, but there seems to be some sort of unresolved tension underneath the surface. You work with the person well enough, but until they (or you) let go of the fake smile and get real, it can be hard to really enjoy working together. You might even choose not to engage with that person on future projects.
Sometimes the person you are meeting with may be reeling from a personal tragedy like a death in the family or a divorce, but whether it is the product of an unspoken personal tragedy, or just social awkwardness, it can be hard to build trust with someone who comes across as “trying too hard.”
When we try too hard in social and professional settings, our lack of confidence is what people notice, even more than our competence and attention to detail. And guess what! Drumroll…
Work settings ARE social settings.
Sociotechnical Systems Theory teaches us that organizations have a technical element (how tasks are accomplished) and a social element (the people side of making things happen) (Trist 1981). For an organization to be effective, both sides of the equation need to be considered. The idea is scalable. It applies to one-on-one exchanges as well. Oftentimes we try to focus only on the task at hand and end up being far less efficient and effective than we would if we engaged more authentically with our coworkers in the process.
I am not saying that when faced with difficult circumstances, we should trust everyone we meet with the details— far from it! Those conversations are best saved for people who, as Brené Brown (2012) puts it, “have earned the right to hear your story.” There are certainly times when we must push through stressors and get the job done, but under normal circumstances we can avoid the invisible wall we build by trying too hard to gain someone else’s acceptance or approval.
Handstand is one yoga posture that really reminds me of this lesson. For years I have been trying too hard when it comes to this posture— just as I tried too hard in the early months of marketing my business through networking.
Mea Culpa! (Ouch!)
I was too worried about making a living to enjoy the wonderful people I was meeting. I wanted to fit in and take my place among the entrepreneur set. I wanted to feel more comfortable and to find the right words to answer the dreaded question, “What exactly is it that you do?” Mostly, I was coping with grief from multiple family tragedies and wondering if I could really make my business work.
Likewise, when it came to handstand, I wanted to achieve that beautiful posture that some of my friends did with what appeared to be ease. I was in awe of their strength and grace while doing something that I knew to be very difficult.
Time after time, I mechanically set myself up, engaged the right muscles, remembered and tried to use every single tip I had ever been given.
…Hands shoulder-width apart? Check!
…Fingers spread wide? Check!
…Gaze forward? Check!
…Core engaged? Check!
…Breathing in as I pop up? Check!
…And on and on and on…
I even made it a point to think positive thoughts as I pulled my body “up, up, up!”
On the days that handstand is my friend, I am thinking less and simply having fun, expecting that I can and will do it. When I stop trying so hard, I am often amazed to find myself upright, not touching the wall, and getting more and more “hang time.” I am not so wrapped up in the destination, but instead just enjoying the journey—Hmmm…. Practicing without attachment! Win!
Now, think of someone who inspires you, whose lead you readily follow. Think of the confident, warm, authentic people who put you and others at ease when they enter the room. Maybe that’s your mom, a coach, a colleague, or a teacher.
Do they make you feel confident and calm?
Many people have natural charisma, while others must cultivate a way of being that instills confidence in others. So let’s talk about that. How can we cultivate that kind of warmth in ourselves? Here are three steps that can help you to become more confident and welcoming to others.
1) Take a self-awareness inventory. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are ready to go out and do business. If the answer is “No,” consider the stressors that might be getting in the way. Are they things you can take care of in the short term or things that will take time to settle? For the big things, maybe taking some small step, like setting a lunch date with a close friend, or some time on your yoga mat or the local running trail can help.
What if you are just doubting yourself? Self-sabotage is more common than most of us want to admit. If that is even a remote possibility, make a list of ten reasons you are likely to be successful. Then smile! Check to be sure there is no lipstick on your teeth, and go for it!
2) Consider the people around you. Instead of the classic business question, “What’s in it for me?” ask yourself what others might need. The best approach to marketing, indeed to most business exchanges, is to solve a problem or connect the people you meet with others who can help them. If you are truly curious about other people, their businesses, and their needs, it becomes easier to get out of your own way. This shift of focus takes a deliberate effort, even for extroverts, when one is in the early stages of running a business, in a challenging job, or facing difficulties on the home front. It can take effort to “quit starring in your own movie” enough to consider what others might be experiencing, but it is always worth it. Without this awareness, relationships (business and personal ones) are unsatisfying at best, IF they develop at all.
3) Study the context. Understanding the environment and doing a little homework can go a long way. Every interaction happens in a bigger context. Pay attention to the setting so that you can understand what is expected and be prepared. This can be as simple as checking the dress code before attending an event. You might look up people you will meet for the first time on LinkedIn or Google them, especially in the case of potential clients. Stack the deck in your favor by knowing up front what you are walking into, at least to the extent possible.
When you feel strong and confident, not to mention well prepared for a given situation, it is much easier to put your best foot forward.
These three steps can lead to improved self-confidence and interaction with others. They are part of what I call relational introspection, the simultaneous attunement to self, others, and the ecosystem (Wakefield 2012). Not only is this a good way to improve your self-confidence and avoid overdoing it in social interactions, it’s a great way to become more aware of the patterns of behaviors that characterize the environments where we work and play— and when we have this kind of confidence, work can even begin to feel more like play!
So what about you? Do you ever find yourself trying too hard?
Have you ever left a meeting or social event thinking, “That was awkward”?
Maybe it’s time to let go and enjoy the ride a bit more.
Copyright Gly Solutions, LLC 2015
References:
Brown, Brene. 2012. Daring Greatly, Gothan Books. New York, NY: Penguin Group.
Trist, Eric. 1981. The evolution of socio-technical systems: a conceptual framework and an action research program. Edited by Ontario Quality of Working Life Centre Ontario Ministry of Labor. Toronto, Ontario.
Wakefield, Tonya Henderson. 2012. "An ontology of storytelling systemicity: Management, fractals and the Waldo Canyon fire." Doctorate of Management Doctoral dissertation, Management, Colorado Technical University.
